Hundreds of one liners
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Hundreds of one liners
Men have found taking Viagra eases their sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off their legs at night.
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Do you know why the Danish have bar-codes on the sides of their ships?
it’s so that when they dock they can Scandinavian.
Finding my lost luggage at the airport is a nightmare,
you might think it’d be easy, however, that’s not the case.
Breaking news:-
Optimist drowns in bath half full.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went out, had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
I watched a documentary on ship building last night.
It was riveting.
I have a horse called Mayo,
Mayo neighs.
Police confirmed a man was arrested after falling into a combine harvester, having tried to steal it.
He will be bailed later.
I've just discovered an origami ******* channel,
sadly it's only on paper view
I keep dreaming that Suggs is walking up my driveway.
Is this the first sign of Madness ?
Which country's capital has the fastest growing population ?
Ireland, everyday it's Dublin
My girlfriend discovered I was cheating on her, having found a pile of letters I’d hidden,
she said she’s never playing scrabble with me again.
What do you call an English man at a urinal?
European.
A policeman with a sniffer dog said to me,
“My dog tells me you’re on drugs!”
I said “mate, you’ve got a talking dog but I’m the one on drugs?!”
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Crossing a busy road, a passer-by said, “There’s a pelican crossing up the road”.
I replied “I hope he’s having better luck than me”
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I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend and he said, “I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
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Our pet mouse, Elvis, died last night,
he was caught in a trap.
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To be Frank,
I would have to change my name.
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You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
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The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
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No matter how far you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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Sports news:- Wheelchair athletes banned from the Paralympics after testing positive for WD40.
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I just got hit over the head with a Power Tool.
I was sitting there minding my own business, then next thing I know…
“Bosch”
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A weasel walks into a bar, the bartender says “I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
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What do you call a Spanish flasher?
Signor Willie.
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This is a terrible spell of whether.
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What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head?
Claude.
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My latest girlfriend really takes my breath away,
she’s inflatable.
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My girlfriend said it’d really be a nice birthday surprise if I got her something to run around in.
So I bought her a tracksuit.
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If your name is Andre, when writing,
you ought to think twice before signing off with a kiss.
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Possibly the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of Charades.
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My dog ran off in the park last night. I walked around for 30 minutes but couldn’t find him. The Mrs said I should look harder,
so I shaved my head and got tattoos. I still can’t find him!
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Our dog only responds to commands in Spanish,
he’s Espanyol.
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You can’t trust Hawaiians,
their i’s are too close together.
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Since my girlfriend started working at the grease factory,
it’s been really hard trying to get hold of her.
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DIY is enjoying a boom,
the popularity of woodwork is sawing.
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I did a book signing yesterday,
I’m now banned from the library.
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My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, but I accidentally gave her a tube of superglue,
now she’s not talking to me.
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When I heard a cure had been found for dyslexia,
it was like music to my arse.
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Some people think there are insects on the Moon,
they’re Lunar tics.
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Someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the local athletics track,
Police believe it may be race related.
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My girlfriend told me, “Sex is better on holiday”,
worst postcard ever to receive.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
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Donald Trump's family tree must be a cactus,
because everybody on it is a p***k.
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What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
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Why did the duck go to rehab?
Because he was a quack addict.
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Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
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How do you drown a Hipster?
In the mainstream.
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What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
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I've been invited to a deodorant party tomorrow,
Roll-On New Years Eve.
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A recent survey was conducted to study the effect alcohol has on walking,
the results were staggering.
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What is braver, a stone or a rock?
A rock, 'cos it's a little boulder.
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A window cleaner was happy his ladder got married,
as now he has a step ladder too.
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How do you mend a cracked parrot?
With Polly filler.
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I mentioned real ale to a young lad at the pub the other day,
and he thought they were a Spanish football team.
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I went to a fancy dress party as a turtle, with my girlfriend on my back,
“who’s on your back?”, they asked, I said, “that’s Michelle” .
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I just got sacked from my job at the clock factory,
apparently I wasn’t putting enough hours in.
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Some bloke just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar,
I said, “Is that a fret?”
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I was watching ******* last night when my girlfriend walked in,
not the best way to find out about her new job.
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I’m getting proper fed up with the bloody great German Shepherd crapping on my lawn,
and today even his dog joined in.
One liners galore below
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How should you carve wood?
A whittle at a time.
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Who was England’s first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer.
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Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
He had no elf-esteem.
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What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney
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What’s a specimen?
An Italian astronaut
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What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
The Abdominal Snowman.
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I always thought I had a bigger than average c**k,
but it turned out be just an ordinary rooster.
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Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
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Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding,
but Prince Philip insists he's going anyway!
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What's Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
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I’ve put up a marquee in my garden, with funky music and flashing lights.
Now is the winter of my disco tent.
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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Why do the French only put one egg in an omelette?,
because one egg is un oeuf.
My dad always told me, “don’t be too quick to find faults”, good man, terrible geologist.
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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
"five beers please"
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.A boat builder is showing his son part of the timber store and says,
"Son, one day this will all be oars"
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I quit my job at the helium factory today, I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice.
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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about 49cents and deer nuts are just under a buck.
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Why don’t owls try mating in the rain?
Because it’s too wet to woo.
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Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal.
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Aren’t Zebras just horses that escaped from prison?.
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Sometimes I watch football holding an Xbox controller just to confuse people.
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Why have an exercise bike?,
it’ll get you nowhere.
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People in Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones ,
but Abu Dhabi do.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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My friends career is in ruins,
he’s an archaeologist.
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RIP boiled water,
you will be mist.
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You know what often gets overlooked?
garden fences.
.While looking at my ceiling I wondered, is it the best ceiling in the world?,
well it’s definitely up there.
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A hearse driving slowly on the motorway was pulled over by police,
and fined for undertaking.
.A paint company exec died of hyperthermia whilst mountain climbing.
Doctors said he needed a second coat.
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Russian dolls,
they’re so full of themselves.
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I saw my neighbour slumped over the lawn mower crying his eyes out,
he said he’d just been through a rough patch.
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My mate is always polite and courteous when he builds anything,
he’s a civil engineer.
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Why couldn’t the pony sing?
Because he was a little hoarse.
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Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween,
ironic really, they don’t appreciate random people knocking on their door.
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Scientists have grown human vocal chords from stem cells in a lab.
They say the results will speak for themselves.
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Whenever you make a typo, the Errorists win.
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What’s a ninja’s favourite footwear ?
Sneakers.
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What does a ghost keep in its stable?,
Nightmares
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Went to the zoo the other day, and saw a baguette in a cage,
I thought, hmm, bread in captivity.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says,
”I’ll have a pint please, and one for the road’
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I phoned the local ramblers club today,
but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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My mate just got a job as safety officer in a kids playground,
I think his career's on the slide.
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I tried to watch the world origami championships on TV,
but it's only on paper view.
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People say I'm dumb because I have a lisp,
it makes me thick.
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What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador.
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What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
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In Antigua it costs £2.00 for a steak pie, in Jamaica it'll cost £2.50, but in Barbados it's £4.00!
These are pie rates of the Caribbean.
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A poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement
is finding it hard to deal with.
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Mum: "What are the lion and the witch doing in your wardrobe?"
Son: "It's Narnia business".
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Went out last night and had a pelican curry,
the food was all right, but the bill was huge!
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
"Aye matey!".
I got the sack from my job on the Bumper Cars,
I'm appealing against funfair dismissal.
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What makes an Octupus laugh?
Ten-tickles.
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A suspect was charged with killing a man with sandpaper,
in defence he said, "I only intended to rough him up a bit”.
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A man who was in court for stealing a bag, took just 3 minutes to get sentenced,
it was a briefcase.
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A wizard walked into a gay bar,
and disappeared with a poof.
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What kind of nuts make you sneeze?
Cashew!
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The inventor of the USB drive had died,
thanks for the memory.
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Three things that always tell the truth:-
1. Young Children
2. Drunks
3. Leggings
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As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way,
I think perhaps I wasn't the best tour guide.
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With the transfer Window now closed,
many Liverpool fans were disappointed not to have got Bale,
so it was back to the cells for them.
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I worked with an old boy who was in a band called The Hinges in the 60's,
they supported The Doors.
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I used to date a one legged girl who worked at a brewery,
she was in charge of the hops.
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I asked the baker, "how come all your cakes are 50p, but that one's £2?"
He said, "that's Madeira cake".
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I wasn't very close to my dad before he died,
which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.
Combine Harvesters,
and you'll have a really big restaurant.
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A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships,
apparently, 'in HD', wasn't the correct answer.
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While eating hot alphabet soup,
I got stung by a B.
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Jokes about white sugar are rare,
but jokes about brown sugar, demarara.
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A man had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an industrial pepper grinder,
he’s fine now.
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Imagine if Beyonce’s father had been Roy Castle.
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I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator,
who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?
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Who’s in charge of the hankies?
The handkerchief.
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How do Mexicans stay warm?
They use chickens for heaters.
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What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head ?
Claude.
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Why did the pirate struggle to learn the alphabet?
Because he kept getting lost at C!
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My parents told me I was conceived after they got drunk on cheap Australian lager,
that’s how I discovered I’m a Fosters child.
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Unexpected sex is one of the best ways to wake up,
unless you’re in prison of course.
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Sean Connery has finally found his niche,
she was in his back garden with his nephew.
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I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken and met a girl dressed as an egg.
An age old question was answered, the chicken.
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The kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again,
it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.
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Science reveals that women have cleaner minds than men,
because they change them so often.
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Saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay this morning and thought to myself,
I wonder what his handicap is?
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They’ve now designed a new razor for dyslexics,
it’s the best thing since sliced beard.
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I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants,
it’s called Feefiphobia.
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Having bought a vintage Rolls Royce, the budget didn’t cover a driver,
so I spent all that money, and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.
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For sale, limited edition bottle of Tippex,
it’s a corrector’s item.
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I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day,
he was wearing a cat flap.
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I went to the doctors with hearing problems, he said “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homer’s fat, Marge has blue hair, Maggie’s the brains, and Bart’s a nightmare”
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My Geordie mate said, "your actions will have grim repercussions",
I thought, 'excellent, they're what Death sits on aren't they?'
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My mum is always saying, "40 is the new 30",
lovely lady, just lost her driving licence.
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One bonus of growing up with a dyslexic father,
if he caught me swearing, he'd wash my mouth out with soup.
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Baby whale: "Dad where did I come from?"
Dad whale: "From my penis son"
Baby whale: "Thanks dad"
Dad whale: "You're whale c*m son".
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To err is human, to arr is Pirate.
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Arsene Wenger says Arsenal will be in a major European competition next year,
even if he has to write the song himself.
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I wonder how many transvestites have a Wigan address?
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Did you hear about the baker with smelly hands?
He kneaded a poo.
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Why did the short sighted man fall down a well?,
because he didn't see that well.
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky.
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A wind turbine asks the turbine next to it, "what music do you like?".
It replied, "I'm a huge metal fan".
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What did the grape say when it got stood on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
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When you see lovers names carved into a tree,
do you think, 'that's sweet',
or do you worry that people take knives on a date.
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I phoned our local Chinese yesterday and ordered a 34 and 13.
I asked if they did takeaways, they said "21".
I'm not convinced about the popularity of Advent calenders,
I think their days are numbered.
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My mates Thai girlfriend told him that a small penis shouldn't spoil their sex life,
he said she may be right, but he'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
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I was chuffed when my lesbian neighbour got me a rolex for my birthday,
but I think she misunderstood after I'd said 'I wanna watch'.
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My mate told me he was pulling off his boxers before going to bed when his Mrs said,
‘you spoil those dogs’.
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So Grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish,
bless him, he mis-heard when we told him to turn his clock back.
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A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
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Some just told me to stop acting like a flamingo,
so I had to put my foot down.
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The writer of 'The Hokey Cokey' song has died, it was a struggle getting him in the coffin,
they put his left leg in, then the trouble started.
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My friend has opened up an ice rink charging just 10p a go,
what a cheap skate.
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What do you call an alligator with GPS?
A navigator.
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
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A Chinese man faked his own death, but his family were suspicious,
they didn't bereave him.
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To that bloke in a wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket,
you can hide, but you can't run!
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I haven't talked to my girlfriend for days now,
I don't like to interrupt her.
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The man that invented throat lozenges died last week,
there was no coffin at the funeral.
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I've discovered I have a logic fetish, I
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
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Arriving at work today a clown opened the door for me,
I thought, that's a nice jester.
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What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist?,
the 'art'
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Our daughter took a degree in ballet,
and got a 2:2
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What's the difference between a kangaroo & a kangaroot?
One is a kangaroo & the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.
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A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage,
"no thanks, I'm travelling light."
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Personal ads:- 'Alcoholic man seeks similar woman for a drink or two, maybe more'.
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Outside the toilet at an Emo party last night,
there were about 20 of 'em queuing up for a slash.
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If it's the case that girls tend to marry men like their fathers,
you can see why their mothers cry at the weddings.
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Say what you like about paedophiles,
at least they drive slowly past schools.
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I've just deleted all the German names off of my phone,
now it's Hans free.
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What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
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I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket,
it was,
“how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
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Breaking news:- Chris Eubanks has just written a book about ethics,
if it's a success his next one will be about Kent.
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I was trying to play FIFA on the computer,
but it wouldn't load, & just kept saying, "Fifa is corrupt, Fifa is corrupt" !!
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BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested,
all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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Our neighbourhood has a tiny ghost that helps out during hard times,
it's good to have a little community spirit.
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Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer,
he wasn't happy about it.
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I tried to start up a chicken dating agency but failed,
it was a struggle to make hens meet.
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I could barely lift my bottle of water earlier,
it was an Evian.
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At Wimbledon:-
Lesbian tennis player gives her opponent a good licking.
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Someone's having a BBQ 1760 yards away,
you can smell it a mile off.
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Just dropped my new phone in the jacuzzi,
I think it's syncing.
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I walked into a Baker's and asked, "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?,
"No, you're right, its a Doughnut.", he said.
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Jousting,
what Brummies ask bees.
.
On Election day, I'll take my voting slip for a candle lit dinner, champagne and truffles,
I'm gonna spoil my ballot.
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I've invented a new flavour of crisps,
if they're successful I'll make a packet.
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They say mums have eyes in the back of their heads,
well one woman really did, but had an op to put them where they belong,
hasn't looked back since.
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Some Geordie told me he was really good at flirting,
so I threw him in the swimming pool,
but he sank.
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I just fell through the roof of a French bakery,
I'm in a world of pain.
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My cockney mate is doing really well in the over-sized trouser business,
he's making huge strides.
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News:- A coach containing session musicians has overturned on the motorway,
drivers may expect lengthy jams.
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I've just put my friend Richard on speed dial on the phone,
it's my Get-Rich-Quick scheme.
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I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin, the other day,
he's head of quality control at Walkers.
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An old couple are at church, when the wife leans across to her husband and whispers,
"I've just let out a silent *****, what should I do?", to which he replies, "change the battery in your hearing aid".
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A man has died after falling in a vat of coffee,
it was instant.
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Our Grandad got his tongue shot off in the First World War,
but he doesn't talk about it.
.
I told my boss I come out in a rash every time I get my wages,
he asked why,
"because I'm allergic to peanuts".
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My Doc asked if I drank to excess,
I said I'd drink to anything.
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My girlfriend asked me to buy something that makes her look sexy again,
so I got a crate of lager in.
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I struggled to pick up a bottle of water earlier,
it was an Evian.
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So what if I can't spell 'armaggedon'?,
it's not like it's the end of the world.
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Why did the scarecrow get promotion?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
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An old man at confession-
"Father, today I had sex with 18-year-old twins. Oy vey"
Priest: "You're clearly Jewish so why are you telling me?
Old man: "I'm telling everybody."
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?,
because its “P” is silent.
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A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose, and a parsnip in his ear,
the doc said, “clearly you’re not eating properly.”
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Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms.
.
"Knock knock",- "Who’s there?"- "Not Sally".
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My friend was a victim of his own success,
his trophy cabinet fell on him.
.
Alphabet Spaghetti warning:-
'May contain N, U, T and S'.
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So Grandad walks into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish,
bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back.
.
A suspect was charged with killing a man with sandpaper, in defence he said,
" I only meant to rough him up a bit".
.
I don't mind people telling me they're gay,
I just don't want them ramming it down my throat
.
Did you hear about the lonely pyromaniac?,
he's still looking for the perfect match.
.
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?,
cos he was so far out man!
.
Did you hear about the mad Mexican train murderer?
He had locomotives.
.
A blind man walks into a bar,
and a table, then a chair.
.
As this magician was walking down the high street,
he turned into a chemist shop.
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My mate went to a hardcore Star Trek fan convention dressed as Chewbacca,
it was a wookie mistake
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A mate of mine is always telling me it's better to give than receive,
a lesson he learned in prison.
I got an e-mail saying, 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!',
I thought, "that's just spam."
.
My mate's a safety officer in a kids playground,
his careers on the slide.
.
Working on the Mother in laws grave today,
she thinks it's a pond I'm digging.
They call the portions at our local Indian restaurant 'Fernando Torres's',
you won't finish what's on a plate
.
If the panda dies out, should WWF spend loads of money on designing a new logo,
or just turn the panda on its back?
.
I'm glad I'm not bisexual,
I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
.
A man was arrested for stealing helium balloons,
police held him for a while then let him go.
.
A man was in court for stealing a bag, took just 3 minutes to get sentenced,
it was a briefcase
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The tiles, A,E,I,O,and U were discovered in a dead scrabble players stomach,
vowel play is supected.
.
I was in a restaurant when I got hit in the head with a prawn cocktail,
as I looked round, the waiter shouted, "that's for starters!!"
.
I've been thinking of getting rid of my old hoover,
it's only gathering dust.
.
A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof.
.
What do you call an alligator in a string vest?
An Investigator.
.
My Great Grandma died after completing a Marathon,
but hey, at least she had a good run.
.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball,
"Gluhhgluh"
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I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer, dunno what he's laced them with,
but I've been trippin all day.
.
I've been working for an Arab dairy farmer,
or Milk Sheikh as he prefers to be called.
.
Two dead canaries for sale on e bay,
not going cheep.
.
I've spilt stain remover on my trousers,
how do I get that out??!
.
I just saw a digital radio going cheap as it's stuck on full volume,
can't turn that down.
.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face,
no one cares about your workout.
.
Allegedly California has the highest rate of adultery and depression,
that's a sad State of affairs.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together,
but only one of them knows.
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I can see exactly 6 years into the future,
I've got 2020 vision.
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I always knew that I'd never become a lawyer,
as I struggle to pass a bar.
.
We remain in the grip of a global economic crisis,
and all the rivers are still flooding,
I blame the banks.
.
I was in a car showroom today and the salesman asked, "What are you looking for?" I said, "Because I can't afford to buy".
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I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra,
and half way through the bloke on the triangle disappeared.
.
The Judge told me I had the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo now.
It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
.
I went to a really emotional wedding last week,
even the cake was in tiers.
.
If your girlfriend starts smoking, slow down and use a lubricant
.
My dad's hobby was collecting empty bottles,
which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.
.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea,
you never get that tea.
.
While on acid I would see things that looked like beams of light,
and hear things that sounded like car horns.
.
"I haven't slept for two weeks,
because that would be more like a coma."
.
There were a couple of girls banging on my bedroom door all last night,
I had to let them out eventually.
.
I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was crap,
Lance is still in prison
I heard a rumour that they're giving away manure at my local fair,
so I went down there to check, it was ************.
Our local school has become an academy, it's sponsored by IKEA,
standards may be fine, but assembly takes ages.
.
I ate a ploughmans lunch at the weekend,
he didn't look too happy about it.
.
A set of jump-leads walks into a bar, the barman says,
"I'll serve you, but you'd better not start anything" .
.
Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):
'If you want to know what God thinks of money,
just look at the people he gave it to.'
.
Staff gathered in the car park for a fire drill at the sperm bank before the alarm had gone off,
it was a premature evacuation.
.
I must've eaten too much salmon over Christmas,
I just ran up an escalator that was going down.
.
Don't trust atoms,
they make up everything.
.
A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay,
he said the Wii GameBoy he received wasn’t quite what he was hoping for.
.
What's the difference between a blow job and a cream cake?
Girls lick their lips at the prospect of a cream cake
.
Fundamentalist,
sponsor a nutter.
.
So Liverpool have SAS in their forward line,
well Tottenham have LOL in midfield and WTF in defence.
.
I can't believe they didn't suss the deaf translator at Mandela's memorium,
should've seen the signs!
.
When making a documentary about Emo's,
it was hard to know what to shout to stop filming.
.
I turned up at nets wearing Cricket gear,
and the ball smashed my Buddy Holly glasses
.
We just paid for a survey for our house,
8 out of 10 people said they’d buy it.
.
I was always taking notes at my last job,
but then they checked the till.
.
I couldn't hold a candle to my grandad,
he was an alcoholic.
.
I purchased a microwave bed recently,
8 hours sleep in 10 minutes.
.
How do you confuse a Scottish Doctor?
tell him you have 'knee problems'.
.
Owing to increased energy bills, the 99p shop have put their prices up by 1p
no change there then.
.
I recently bought a suicide bed,
each morning I have to talk myself out of it.
.
If laughter really is the best medicine,
then how come there are no chemists selling nitrous oxide?
.
Biologists have discovered they can stop frogs dying by removing their vocal cords so they can't croak.
.
'Petty Criminal',
someone that steals dogs, cats, and other domestic animals?.
.
"You're the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen...",
"You just want to have sex with me."
"...and smart too, I like that."
.
The latest worry for parents in the UK is the iPad pacifier conundrum,
no such worries for kids in China, India, and Africa,
they're making them.
.
How do you get a Pikey to take a bath?,
leave it in your front garden.
.
A Mexican stuntman died while making a film,
at the funeral his mother approached the director and said,
"Jesus died for your scenes."
.
My mate went a bit off the rails when he was younger,
which is probably why he's no longer a train driver.
.
My girlfriend broke up with me after I stole her wheelchair,
but she'll come crawling back.
.
I asked the Mrs for anal sex last night,
I thought, 'why not, she takes everything else the wrong way'.
.
Douglas Engelbart, the inventor of the mouse has died,
what vision, to know we'd need one hand free while at the computer.
.
What do you call a group of crows staring at a bird feeder?
A tempted murder.
.
Doug Engelbart, the visionary who invented the computer mouse, has died aged 88,
shame they couldn't right click and save him.
.
With all this s**t on the TV these days,
I think it's about time our parrot went back in its cage.
.
After a long battle with Leukemia, and a few failed attempts at Suicide,
my Dyslexic friend finally passed his spelling test.
.
My mate went a bit off the rails when he was younger,
which is probably why he's no longer a train driver.
.
My girlfriend broke up with me after I stole her wheelchair,
but she'll come crawling back.
.
I've just made a killing selling my shares in the nitrous oxide market,
I'll be laughing all the way to the bank.
.
"Having poor teams like Tahiti devalues tournaments",
says Robbie Savage, the man who played for Wales.
.
I've just joined a reggae band, playing the triangle,
I stand at the back and ting.
.
My mate Jim Apple gets a lot of grief when people ask who he is in France.
.
I couldn't believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker,
but when I got home, all the signs were there.
.
If humans stood in a single file line around the equator,
most of them would drown.
.
I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hi-jacking,
we just shot the pilot.
.
Light travels faster than sound,
which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
.
A dog walker was found dead in the local park,
police found the dog, but as yet, they have no lead.
.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
.
Our son was born deaf and blind,
it was really hard breaking the news to him.
.
Who should you call if you've seen a ghost?
A psychiatrist.
.
Bill Roach, Jim Davidson, Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall, Freddie Starr, and Jimmy Tarbuck,
it's a strong line up for this years Prison Panto.
.
I'd like to defend a penguin in court just to say,
"Your Honour, my client is clearly not a flight risk."
.
I bought a pond full of carp from eBay for £100,
big mistake, what a load of s**t!
The seller was dyslexic.
.
Hipsters never burn their tongue,
because they won't touch anything that aint cool.
.
What's long, hard and has c*m in it? A cucumber.
.
I saw a girl on the internet with 12 nipples,
sounds pretty strange, dozen ****?
.
My job in genetic engineering is quite well paid,
I made a monkey last week.
.
My mate told me that he was pulling off his boxers before going to bed,
when his Mrs said, 'you spoil those dogs'.
.
I bet John Lennon would have loved online transactions,
'Imagine all the PayPal...'
.
The man who invented Velcro has died.
RIP.
.
Fairytale News: The Pied Piper has 12 rats behind him,
more to follow...
.
How does a cockney contact the local authority through his computer?
by pressing the Cancel button.
.
I'm thinking of starting up a, 'Stiff Little Fingers', tribute band,
we're gonna be called, 'Arthritis'.
.
It was '2 for the price of 1' at the Vet's today ,
although my other pet didn't really need putting down.
.
It's, "Jamaican hairstyle day", at work tomorrow,
I'm dreading it.
.
I went into the kitchen and found my fridge had exploded,
I think something may have gone off in there.
.
I Googled- "Missing medieval servant",
it came up with "Page not found".
.
I'm not a fan of currant buns,
I prefer the Old Skool ones.
.
Argentina lays claim to the Vatican City on the grounds that,
"there is a temporary Argentine population".
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don't know the words.
.
I took my creased trousers to a PR company,
they asked what I wanted them to do with them?
I said, "can you give them a good press."
.
The Pope is going to have his ring destroyed by a Bishop, "Pope Benedict is relieved," said the head of the German bishops' conference.
You couldn't make this s**t up.
.
I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer,
but when I get an erection it looks like Pinnochio has joined the Taliban
.
My mate's bought a scooter and written 'The Who' on the back of all his jackets,
I think he's having a mod-life crisis.
.
Girlfriends have one vital thing in common with vacuum cleaners,
the better they suck, the longer you keep them.
.
Jonathan Ross arrested in Ikea for stealing a food mixer,
he said it was worth the whisk!
.
Man in Indian restaurant orders chicken tarka,
waiter says, "sorry I dont know that dish", he says "it's like a tikka but a little otter".
.
The bookies hot favourite to bag an Oscar this year?,
he's 20 stone, goes by the name of Big Bubba, and doing life at Pretoria State Prison.
.
Our cat jumped in the washing machine yesterday,
but at least it died in Comfort.
.
I didn't know what to get my 9 year old scouse nephew for his Birthday,
so I put 20 quid in his Nan's purse.
.
Apparently Oscar Pistorius tried to leg it after he shot his girlfriend,
but a real burglar had stolen his blades the night before.
.
Q: Why do Findus put a lot of cheese in their lasagne's?
A: To Mascarpone!
.
The Pope has Resigned,
like a true Catholic he pulled out early.
.
New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan is already preparing for the 2014 World Cup Finals,
he's bought the Sky Sports package so he can watch it.
.
So this guy's heading for the bookies, looking skywards thinking,
"I need to stop gambling, please God, just give me a sign".
.
After years struggling with my addiction to alcohol gel, I'm finally clean.
.
The Tour de France in recent years has resembled Amsterdam really,
with lots of people on drugs riding bikes.
.
Council Correspondence:- Here are some genuine comments taken from letters sent to the council:-
.
1:-I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
.
2:- It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
.
3:- I wish to complain that my father broke his ankle when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
.
4:- Their eighteen year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5:- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
.
6:- My bush is really overgrown round the front, and my back passage has fungus growing in it
.
.
I was told that Tesco burgers really were the Donkeys b*******,
I didn't think they meant that literally!!
.
Just went to the fridge to check my Tesco burgers,
aaaaannndddd they're off!
.
You could never hold the Grand Prix in Ireland,
as soon as the flag goes down, there'd be a riot.
.
At hospital over the weekend I heard a load of patients reciting Scottish poetry, apparently it was the serious Burns unit
.
Would you call a drunkard who works at an upholstery shop a recovering alcoholic?.
.
What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air?,
a dead centipede.
.
If a long dress is evening wear,
can a suit of armour be called Silverware?.
.
The Chuckle Brothers have just been signed up by British Gas,
to meter you.
.
My mate tries hard to get to work early to beat the crowds,
he's loving his new job with the riot police.
.
When your children are teenagers you should have a dog,
so at least someone in the house is happy to see you.
.
My mates girlfriend is mute, so communicates by embroidery,
it's her version of sign language, sew to speak.
.
Hear about the Emo that goes to a massage parlour and asks for an unhappy ending?.
.
If there's a storm going on outside, our cat scratches everything in its path,
when it rains it paws.
.
Breaking news; FA to introduce sponge footballs and safety helmets after van Persie near death experience,
and remember, Guns don't kill people ... footballs do.
.
If you have sex with Santa,
does that make you a, 'Hohosexual' ?.
.
I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.
.
Since my mates divorce 3 years ago, he's put on 10 stone,
his Doctor told him he has to stop celebrating.
.
I've just been informed that a distant relative has left me a priceless watch in her will,
I hope it's not a wind up
.
Scientists have crossed an albino chicken with an onion,
and finally created a white c**k that brings tears to a womans eyes.
.
I see they have female condoms now, they fit neatly over the top of a woman's wine glass.
.
I found some salad dressing at the back of my fridge with a use by date of 21/12/12,
I think it may be Mayan-aise.
.
The boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money,
he serves up a great burger and fries.
.
A driver crashed her 4 x 4 whilst listening to Adele on the radio,
she was rolling in the jeep.
.
I was sent a document regarding the 'Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins,
I had to download some software for it though, it was a PDF file.
.
Police are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who stabbed six people in the backside recently,
they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
.
Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshipping cats.
.
My mate came from a broken home,
his dad was a shocker at DIY.
.
R.I.P Sir Patrick Moore,
no more 'Mr. Night Sky'.
.
My train got delayed today because of a suicide,
I really hate Christmas Jumpers
.
Apparently Marti Pellow has discovered he's got Arthritis,
he feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes.
.
My girlfriend drew a map of India then asked,
"does Mumbai look big in this?"
.
What do you call a Muslim with 9 lives?
Yusuf Islam.
.
Why did the Mormon cross the road?
to get to the other bride.
.
You'll never catch me out,
I'm agoraphobic.
.
A suggested name for Kate and Will's Royal baby is, 'Helix Shatterproof',
quite apt for a little ruler.
.
'Lincoln', is said to be doing very well in theaters,
quite ironic really.
.
I just found a whip, a mask, and handcuffs in my mum's bedroom,
I can't believe it, she's a superhero!
.
My new book is called 'Wooooaaooooh',
I'm really regretting using a Ghost Writer.
.
I saw an inflatable ATM machine today,
the screen said 'Please do not enter PIN'.
.
I've been seeing a weather girl,
thought it'd make a change to date a woman that wasn't right all the time.
.
If you made a belt out of old watch straps,
would it be a waist of time?.
.
Women are the only species that defy the laws of gravity,
the more they weigh, the easier they are to pick up
.
I was at a Buddhist football match recently, and they started chanting,
"You're going home in a cosmic ambience!"
.
Never come between two brothers as they may turn against you,
however, coming between two sisters is another matter all together.
.
My mate's got breasts on the brain,
shocking plastic surgery.
.
One possible plus point to that reality ************ show might be
to hear shouts of support in the jungle for Tory MP Nadine Dorries:- " Go Nad...Go Nad"
.
What do Abu Qatada and Peter Andre have in common?
they're not going back to Jordan.
.
My girlfriend asked, "Would you like a blow job?"
I said, "Do bears s**t in the woods?".
Wish I'd just said 'Yes',
she's been on Google ever since.
.
If you worry that you aren't creative,
buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
.
My girlfriend asked me to take her to the bedroom and make her feel young again,
she wasn't impressed with the white wig and cigar.
.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man the wife would have preferred.
.
Two silk worms were in a race,
it ended in a tie.
.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
.
If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?
.
Dear Americans,
Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so please try and say their names properly.
.
The potato is like the Katie Price of food,
it'll go with pretty much anything.
.
Footballers, pansies that fall from 5 feet and stay down,
Felix Baumgartner, dives from 128,000 feet, and gets straight up.
.
Leo the lion has just been voted favourite sign of the Zodiac,
after a long battle with Cancer.
.
If Abu Hamza gets the eletric chair, he can stick his hook in the air and pretend he's in a bumper car.
.
Will these Jimmy Savile allegations never end?,
police are now saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.
.
Should there be a health insurance for women which covers Retail Threapy? Just asking
.
Gambling addiction hotlines might get a lot more gamblers ringing in if every tenth caller was a winner.
.
I'm waiting for the day that scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.
.
Apparently there's a new flavour of dog food coming out,
it's going to be called 'Postman Pate'.
.
They say it ain't over till the fat lady sings,
Daniel Craig may be in trouble.
.
Jimmy Saville had to stop going to church,
the priests kept fighting over who would get to hear his confession.
.
It was nice to see Europe playing America at their own game in the Ryder Cup,
turning up late and claiming victory.
.
Katie Price can't mention her love life on twitter,
it involves more than 140 characters.
.
JD Sports are selling Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuits,
they have adult size tops but you have to squeeze into the kids bottoms.
.
A local shepherd has attacked an artist for drawing a cartoon mocking his lamb.
.
Apparently Monica Lewinsky plans on writing a 'tell-all' book about her time in the white house,
I bet it sucks.
.
I got in trouble at the local park for lining all the squirrels up in order of height,
they didn't like me critter sizing.
.
What anti-perspirant do pessimistic people use?,
not sure.
.
I caught my Muslim friend shagging a sheep the other day,
he said it was Islam and he could do what he wants
.
I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach *******,
if you can't come, let me know.
.
So thalidomide manufacturer finally apologises,
I can think of a few people who won't be applauding.
.
I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the Arctic,
my doctor says I may have 'Buy Polar' disorder
What's the difference between woman and terrorists?
You can negotiate with terrorists.
.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with, "oh well, I guess you had to be there."
.
A man has been found beaten to death in a tent at the V festival,
is that murder, or assault within tent?.
.
I've formed a band called, 'Voices In Your Head',
when you hear us you'll go nuts.
.
Do Olympic divers get accused of playing football?
.
What do you call Postman Pat when he is retired?
Pat.
.
I just penned a song about a tortilla,
actually it's more of a wrap.
.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?,
he couldn't control his pupils.
.
Why not click on one of the buttons below on the left and share this joke page with others?
29
5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.
1. Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a push bike.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastards name.
3. Help a man when he's in trouble & he'll be sure to remember you when he's in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
but then neither does milk.
-
My girlfriend spends every night in town, going from one pub to another,
and somehow she always bloody well finds me.
-
I beat an irritating git at the tennis courts with my racket,
served him right.
-
The Higgs Boson, as they're now pretty sure it actually exists, can they stop calling it the, 'God particle'?
-
40 quid for 2 of us to see 'The Amazing Spider-Man' movie last week,
but at least we only got robbed instead of shot.
-
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier
in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
--
Darth Vader had a corrupt brother, Taxi Vader.
--
What do you call an OCD sex orgy? Bang tidy.
-
Do you know who gives children a bad name?,
Bob Geldof
-
A womans shoes say a lot about how she feels,
if they're behind her ears, she likes you.
-
I've never seen a tombstone that read:- "Died from not forwarding that e mail to 10 people."
-
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days,
it's on its last legs now!
-
90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.
-
I've recently become a Professor of Palindromes,
so now you can call me Dr. Awkward.
-
I've just joined a band called "Coffin Lids",
they mainly cover the Bee Gees.
-
I held a coconut shell up to my ear and heard the sound of a one legged horse standing very still.
-
Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he admitted pedalling.
-
The 21st century,
when deleting history is more important than making it.
-
I always cry after sex,
£500 is such a lot of money.
-
Why did the ninja and his ninja girlfriend break up?
they never saw each other.
-
School children shouldn't be seperated according to academic ability,
it'll only end in tiers.
-
Vidal Sassoon, RIP, never forgot his roots, and worth a bob or two.-
I've just won our local Iron Man competition,
20 shirts in half an hour.
-
Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground.
Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?"
"Buffalo come," Tonto replied.
"How can you tell?"
"Ear sticky."
-
The water's so hard where we live, the plumbers have to go round in pairs.
-
The police came to my house last night, showing me a picture, asked, “Is this your wife, sir?”, I answered, “Yes”. Then they said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”, “I know, but she’s good with the kids”, I replied.
-
Apparently diet books are popular because they appeal to a wide audience.
-
"Jesus loves you", can be a nice enough gesture in church,
but not what you want to hear in a Mexican prison.
There's been a new therapy group set up for Tourettes sufferers,
'Tourette's Welfare And Treatment'.
I decided to go for a swim to forget this terrible drought we're having.
I did 25 lengths of the back garden.
My dyslexic mate has had trouble getting a job, so I looked over his application for him, where it asked if he had any disabilities he wrote, 'I occasionally need a bit more time than others as I have sex daily'
If the chemical composition of water is 'H2O',
does that mean that Holy Water should be 'H2OMG' ?
New Durex slogan: 'Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks'.
I'm really worried about my Parrot, he keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life",
my room-mate's too selfish to notice, he's always crying.
You know Drogba's playing when the fourth official is a Lifeguard!.
Aint it just a little racist that they called the sea between China and Korea the Yellow sea?
'Twister kills fifteen in Kansas'., Chrissakes, I knew it was an awkward game but that's ridiculous!!
My gambling addiction cost me my marriage,
or as I like to think of it, won me a divorce.
For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife (Made To Scale).
Alcohol gives you the ambition to do anything,
while simultaneously destroying your ability to do so.
My room mate has just lost one of my Mr Men books,
no more 'Mr Nice Guy'
(.
Essex, the only place where the Ann Summers shops have a 'Back to School' section.
"Hot Cross Buns" was actually the name of Jesus' first aerobics DVD.
I'm in the dog house again, last night my Mrs said if I turned the light off she'd take it up the arse,
maybe I should've waited until the bulb cooled down a bit.
I hear Millets have gone into administration,
will this be the winter of our discount tent?.
Our parrot got out of its cage and shagged the blummin dog a while back,
now we have some puppies going cheep if anyone is interested.
How do you make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
With Greece in ruins, no more Jobs at Apple, should we now worry that when James Dyson dies he'll leave a power vacuum?
I'm really into Grandfather clocks,
big time.
Roll up, roll up, cheap fags for sale.
Do lesbians send hate male?
Remember ravers, DJ Jesus died for your Spins
A muslim, and a mouse with an eye patch are being hunted after a robbery,
police advise not to approach, as they are Ahmed and Dangermouse.
'Tis obsession of Yoda my girlfriend has left me because.
My girlfriend assures me that size doesn't matter, but all of her d****s look like they're missing a lamp shade.
My girlfriend asked me for some Southern Comfort,
the slap in the face alerted me to the fact we were thinking differently.
"I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig",
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
There was a race on TV where the prize was £1 million,
a Scouser ran away with it.
Dyslexic IT technicians wait ages for a USB,
then three come along at once.
There's a huge advert for Viagra in our high street,
it's been up for ages.
My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Predictive text really gets my toga.
I've just bought a mirror clock,
I think it's time for reflection.
April Fool's Day:- The day every newspaper fools readers by sneaking in one properly researched, factually correct story.
I told my girlfriend I was looking for cheap flights on the net, she got all exited, said she loved me, unzipped me, then gave me the best b*****b ever,
I didn't like to spoil it by telling her they were darts flights.
I've just heard that the hard-drinking Jockey Wilson has died,
I bet he finished on a double.
Idea for a new TV series??
Former MP Leon Brittan takes hostage the host of, 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire',
it could be called, 'Brittans Got Tarrant'
I took my wife to a freak show yesterday, but they weren't hiring.
Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital,
"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together", said Fabrice.
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced,
that's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilene
My dyslexic mate said he's being sent for counselling as they said at Court he has angry shoes.
My new favourite band is Dog Whistle,
you won't have heard them.
I got covered in ketchup earlier today,
from my head tomatoes.
Don't blame the photographer's,
the Loch Ness monster actually really is blurry.
A baby seal walked into a club.
Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall, as he turned and sneered at me I thought,
'that's a little condescending'.
Grammar, the difference between knowing your s**t,
and knowing you're s**t.
The only reason guys get fake tans is because there's no sunlight in the closet.
For lent, I thought I'd give up sexual innuendos,
but it's so hard.
Just witnessed an Apple store get robbed,
police have detained me as an iWitness.
I saw a Dutch guy with shoes that had built in satnav, bloody clever clogs.
February 29th, the only day that a man doesn't want to see a woman on her knees in front of him.
Did you hear about the lonely pyromaniac?,
he's still looking for the perfect match.
A dog owner that entered his pet at Crufts has been sentenced to 6 months for outraging public decency.
Rangers football stadium, Ibrox, is to be renamed, "The Inland Revenue Arena", or IRA for short,
but it's only provisional.
I've got a make-shift job at a computer keyboard factory
Isn't it funny how we say that, 'noses run', and, 'feet smell'.
'Open Mike Night' can mean a whole different thing in gay bars.
Weatherman reacts angrily to being sacked after so many cold gloomy forecasts,
no more mist & ice guy.
If a Chinese person dies, but no one turns up to their funeral,
is that unbereavable?
My mates Thai girlfriend told him that a small penis shouldn't spoil their sex life,
he said she may be right, but he'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
We went to see Liverpool at Anfield recently, and it lived up to all our expectations,
my car was stolen.
I was going to get a power-gate for my driveway entrance,
but with gate power comes gate responsibility.
My mate was a victim of his own success,
his trophy cabinet collapsed on him.
I've fallen in love with a another ventriloquists doll,
but she's already spoken for.
BBC News: Fabio Capello resigns from the England job. An Italian abandoning a sinking ship, who would have thought it?
I'm keeping maggots warm in my mouth for fishing, will they do me any harm?
I wait with baited breath.
My mate Gaz is the kind of guy who just lights up a room,
he's an arsonist.
We have a local band that are so bad that,
by popular demand they have to smash up their instruments before the gig.
My mate was told by his doctor to do something that gets him out of the pub,
so he took up smoking.
Common sense is like deodorant,
the people who need it most rarely have it.
Ever think you'd like to buy a Parrot and teach it to say,
"Help, they've turned me into a parrot" ?
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman,
it doesn't matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
My friend told me he threw a stick 5 miles and his dog found it and brought it back!
Sound a bit far fetched?
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off their legs at night.
.
Do you know why the Danish have bar-codes on the sides of their ships?
it’s so that when they dock they can Scandinavian.
Finding my lost luggage at the airport is a nightmare,
you might think it’d be easy, however, that’s not the case.
Breaking news:-
Optimist drowns in bath half full.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went out, had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
I watched a documentary on ship building last night.
It was riveting.
I have a horse called Mayo,
Mayo neighs.
Police confirmed a man was arrested after falling into a combine harvester, having tried to steal it.
He will be bailed later.
I've just discovered an origami ******* channel,
sadly it's only on paper view
I keep dreaming that Suggs is walking up my driveway.
Is this the first sign of Madness ?
Which country's capital has the fastest growing population ?
Ireland, everyday it's Dublin
My girlfriend discovered I was cheating on her, having found a pile of letters I’d hidden,
she said she’s never playing scrabble with me again.
What do you call an English man at a urinal?
European.
A policeman with a sniffer dog said to me,
“My dog tells me you’re on drugs!”
I said “mate, you’ve got a talking dog but I’m the one on drugs?!”
.
Crossing a busy road, a passer-by said, “There’s a pelican crossing up the road”.
I replied “I hope he’s having better luck than me”
.
I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend and he said, “I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
.
Our pet mouse, Elvis, died last night,
he was caught in a trap.
.
To be Frank,
I would have to change my name.
.
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
.
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
.
No matter how far you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
.
Sports news:- Wheelchair athletes banned from the Paralympics after testing positive for WD40.
.
I just got hit over the head with a Power Tool.
I was sitting there minding my own business, then next thing I know…
“Bosch”
.
A weasel walks into a bar, the bartender says “I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
.
What do you call a Spanish flasher?
Signor Willie.
.
This is a terrible spell of whether.
.
What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head?
Claude.
.
My latest girlfriend really takes my breath away,
she’s inflatable.
.
My girlfriend said it’d really be a nice birthday surprise if I got her something to run around in.
So I bought her a tracksuit.
.
If your name is Andre, when writing,
you ought to think twice before signing off with a kiss.
.
Possibly the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of Charades.
.
My dog ran off in the park last night. I walked around for 30 minutes but couldn’t find him. The Mrs said I should look harder,
so I shaved my head and got tattoos. I still can’t find him!
.
Our dog only responds to commands in Spanish,
he’s Espanyol.
.
You can’t trust Hawaiians,
their i’s are too close together.
.
Since my girlfriend started working at the grease factory,
it’s been really hard trying to get hold of her.
.
DIY is enjoying a boom,
the popularity of woodwork is sawing.
.
I did a book signing yesterday,
I’m now banned from the library.
.
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, but I accidentally gave her a tube of superglue,
now she’s not talking to me.
.
When I heard a cure had been found for dyslexia,
it was like music to my arse.
.
Some people think there are insects on the Moon,
they’re Lunar tics.
.
Someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the local athletics track,
Police believe it may be race related.
.
My girlfriend told me, “Sex is better on holiday”,
worst postcard ever to receive.
.
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
.
Donald Trump's family tree must be a cactus,
because everybody on it is a p***k.
.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
.
Why did the duck go to rehab?
Because he was a quack addict.
.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
.
How do you drown a Hipster?
In the mainstream.
.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
.
I've been invited to a deodorant party tomorrow,
Roll-On New Years Eve.
.
A recent survey was conducted to study the effect alcohol has on walking,
the results were staggering.
.
What is braver, a stone or a rock?
A rock, 'cos it's a little boulder.
.
A window cleaner was happy his ladder got married,
as now he has a step ladder too.
.
How do you mend a cracked parrot?
With Polly filler.
.
I mentioned real ale to a young lad at the pub the other day,
and he thought they were a Spanish football team.
.
I went to a fancy dress party as a turtle, with my girlfriend on my back,
“who’s on your back?”, they asked, I said, “that’s Michelle” .
.
I just got sacked from my job at the clock factory,
apparently I wasn’t putting enough hours in.
.
Some bloke just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar,
I said, “Is that a fret?”
.
I was watching ******* last night when my girlfriend walked in,
not the best way to find out about her new job.
.
I’m getting proper fed up with the bloody great German Shepherd crapping on my lawn,
and today even his dog joined in.
One liners galore below
.
How should you carve wood?
A whittle at a time.
.
Who was England’s first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer.
.
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
He had no elf-esteem.
.
What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney
.
What’s a specimen?
An Italian astronaut
.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
The Abdominal Snowman.
.
I always thought I had a bigger than average c**k,
but it turned out be just an ordinary rooster.
.
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
.
Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding,
but Prince Philip insists he's going anyway!
.
What's Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
.
I’ve put up a marquee in my garden, with funky music and flashing lights.
Now is the winter of my disco tent.
.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
.
Why do the French only put one egg in an omelette?,
because one egg is un oeuf.
My dad always told me, “don’t be too quick to find faults”, good man, terrible geologist.
.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
"five beers please"
.
.A boat builder is showing his son part of the timber store and says,
"Son, one day this will all be oars"
.
I quit my job at the helium factory today, I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice.
.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about 49cents and deer nuts are just under a buck.
.
Why don’t owls try mating in the rain?
Because it’s too wet to woo.
.
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal.
.
Aren’t Zebras just horses that escaped from prison?.
.
Sometimes I watch football holding an Xbox controller just to confuse people.
.
Why have an exercise bike?,
it’ll get you nowhere.
.
People in Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones ,
but Abu Dhabi do.
.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
.
My friends career is in ruins,
he’s an archaeologist.
.
RIP boiled water,
you will be mist.
.
You know what often gets overlooked?
garden fences.
.While looking at my ceiling I wondered, is it the best ceiling in the world?,
well it’s definitely up there.
.
A hearse driving slowly on the motorway was pulled over by police,
and fined for undertaking.
.A paint company exec died of hyperthermia whilst mountain climbing.
Doctors said he needed a second coat.
.
Russian dolls,
they’re so full of themselves.
.
I saw my neighbour slumped over the lawn mower crying his eyes out,
he said he’d just been through a rough patch.
.
My mate is always polite and courteous when he builds anything,
he’s a civil engineer.
.
Why couldn’t the pony sing?
Because he was a little hoarse.
.
Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween,
ironic really, they don’t appreciate random people knocking on their door.
.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords from stem cells in a lab.
They say the results will speak for themselves.
.
Whenever you make a typo, the Errorists win.
.
What’s a ninja’s favourite footwear ?
Sneakers.
.
What does a ghost keep in its stable?,
Nightmares
.
Went to the zoo the other day, and saw a baguette in a cage,
I thought, hmm, bread in captivity.
.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says,
”I’ll have a pint please, and one for the road’
.
I phoned the local ramblers club today,
but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
.
My mate just got a job as safety officer in a kids playground,
I think his career's on the slide.
.
I tried to watch the world origami championships on TV,
but it's only on paper view.
.
People say I'm dumb because I have a lisp,
it makes me thick.
.
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador.
.
What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
.
In Antigua it costs £2.00 for a steak pie, in Jamaica it'll cost £2.50, but in Barbados it's £4.00!
These are pie rates of the Caribbean.
.
A poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement
is finding it hard to deal with.
.
Mum: "What are the lion and the witch doing in your wardrobe?"
Son: "It's Narnia business".
.
Went out last night and had a pelican curry,
the food was all right, but the bill was huge!
.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
"Aye matey!".
I got the sack from my job on the Bumper Cars,
I'm appealing against funfair dismissal.
.
What makes an Octupus laugh?
Ten-tickles.
.
A suspect was charged with killing a man with sandpaper,
in defence he said, "I only intended to rough him up a bit”.
.
A man who was in court for stealing a bag, took just 3 minutes to get sentenced,
it was a briefcase.
.
A wizard walked into a gay bar,
and disappeared with a poof.
.
What kind of nuts make you sneeze?
Cashew!
.
The inventor of the USB drive had died,
thanks for the memory.
.
Three things that always tell the truth:-
1. Young Children
2. Drunks
3. Leggings
.
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way,
I think perhaps I wasn't the best tour guide.
.
With the transfer Window now closed,
many Liverpool fans were disappointed not to have got Bale,
so it was back to the cells for them.
.
I worked with an old boy who was in a band called The Hinges in the 60's,
they supported The Doors.
.
I used to date a one legged girl who worked at a brewery,
she was in charge of the hops.
.
I asked the baker, "how come all your cakes are 50p, but that one's £2?"
He said, "that's Madeira cake".
.
I wasn't very close to my dad before he died,
which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.
Combine Harvesters,
and you'll have a really big restaurant.
.
A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships,
apparently, 'in HD', wasn't the correct answer.
.
While eating hot alphabet soup,
I got stung by a B.
.
Jokes about white sugar are rare,
but jokes about brown sugar, demarara.
.
A man had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an industrial pepper grinder,
he’s fine now.
.
Imagine if Beyonce’s father had been Roy Castle.
.
I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator,
who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?
.
Who’s in charge of the hankies?
The handkerchief.
.
How do Mexicans stay warm?
They use chickens for heaters.
.
What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head ?
Claude.
.
Why did the pirate struggle to learn the alphabet?
Because he kept getting lost at C!
.
My parents told me I was conceived after they got drunk on cheap Australian lager,
that’s how I discovered I’m a Fosters child.
.
Unexpected sex is one of the best ways to wake up,
unless you’re in prison of course.
.
Sean Connery has finally found his niche,
she was in his back garden with his nephew.
.
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken and met a girl dressed as an egg.
An age old question was answered, the chicken.
.
The kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again,
it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.
.
Science reveals that women have cleaner minds than men,
because they change them so often.
.
Saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay this morning and thought to myself,
I wonder what his handicap is?
.
They’ve now designed a new razor for dyslexics,
it’s the best thing since sliced beard.
.
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants,
it’s called Feefiphobia.
.
Having bought a vintage Rolls Royce, the budget didn’t cover a driver,
so I spent all that money, and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.
.
For sale, limited edition bottle of Tippex,
it’s a corrector’s item.
.
I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day,
he was wearing a cat flap.
.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems, he said “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homer’s fat, Marge has blue hair, Maggie’s the brains, and Bart’s a nightmare”
.
My Geordie mate said, "your actions will have grim repercussions",
I thought, 'excellent, they're what Death sits on aren't they?'
.
My mum is always saying, "40 is the new 30",
lovely lady, just lost her driving licence.
.
One bonus of growing up with a dyslexic father,
if he caught me swearing, he'd wash my mouth out with soup.
.
Baby whale: "Dad where did I come from?"
Dad whale: "From my penis son"
Baby whale: "Thanks dad"
Dad whale: "You're whale c*m son".
.
To err is human, to arr is Pirate.
.
Arsene Wenger says Arsenal will be in a major European competition next year,
even if he has to write the song himself.
.
I wonder how many transvestites have a Wigan address?
.
Did you hear about the baker with smelly hands?
He kneaded a poo.
.
Why did the short sighted man fall down a well?,
because he didn't see that well.
.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky.
.
A wind turbine asks the turbine next to it, "what music do you like?".
It replied, "I'm a huge metal fan".
.
What did the grape say when it got stood on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
.
When you see lovers names carved into a tree,
do you think, 'that's sweet',
or do you worry that people take knives on a date.
.
I phoned our local Chinese yesterday and ordered a 34 and 13.
I asked if they did takeaways, they said "21".
I'm not convinced about the popularity of Advent calenders,
I think their days are numbered.
.
My mates Thai girlfriend told him that a small penis shouldn't spoil their sex life,
he said she may be right, but he'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
.
I was chuffed when my lesbian neighbour got me a rolex for my birthday,
but I think she misunderstood after I'd said 'I wanna watch'.
.
My mate told me he was pulling off his boxers before going to bed when his Mrs said,
‘you spoil those dogs’.
.
So Grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish,
bless him, he mis-heard when we told him to turn his clock back.
.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
.
Some just told me to stop acting like a flamingo,
so I had to put my foot down.
.
The writer of 'The Hokey Cokey' song has died, it was a struggle getting him in the coffin,
they put his left leg in, then the trouble started.
.
My friend has opened up an ice rink charging just 10p a go,
what a cheap skate.
.
What do you call an alligator with GPS?
A navigator.
.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
.
A Chinese man faked his own death, but his family were suspicious,
they didn't bereave him.
.
To that bloke in a wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket,
you can hide, but you can't run!
.
I haven't talked to my girlfriend for days now,
I don't like to interrupt her.
.
The man that invented throat lozenges died last week,
there was no coffin at the funeral.
.
I've discovered I have a logic fetish, I
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
.
Arriving at work today a clown opened the door for me,
I thought, that's a nice jester.
.
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist?,
the 'art'
.
Our daughter took a degree in ballet,
and got a 2:2
.
What's the difference between a kangaroo & a kangaroot?
One is a kangaroo & the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.
.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage,
"no thanks, I'm travelling light."
.
Personal ads:- 'Alcoholic man seeks similar woman for a drink or two, maybe more'.
.
Outside the toilet at an Emo party last night,
there were about 20 of 'em queuing up for a slash.
.
If it's the case that girls tend to marry men like their fathers,
you can see why their mothers cry at the weddings.
.
Say what you like about paedophiles,
at least they drive slowly past schools.
.
I've just deleted all the German names off of my phone,
now it's Hans free.
.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
.
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket,
it was,
“how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
.
Breaking news:- Chris Eubanks has just written a book about ethics,
if it's a success his next one will be about Kent.
.
I was trying to play FIFA on the computer,
but it wouldn't load, & just kept saying, "Fifa is corrupt, Fifa is corrupt" !!
.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested,
all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
.
Our neighbourhood has a tiny ghost that helps out during hard times,
it's good to have a little community spirit.
.
Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer,
he wasn't happy about it.
.
I tried to start up a chicken dating agency but failed,
it was a struggle to make hens meet.
.
I could barely lift my bottle of water earlier,
it was an Evian.
.
At Wimbledon:-
Lesbian tennis player gives her opponent a good licking.
.
Someone's having a BBQ 1760 yards away,
you can smell it a mile off.
.
Just dropped my new phone in the jacuzzi,
I think it's syncing.
.
I walked into a Baker's and asked, "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?,
"No, you're right, its a Doughnut.", he said.
.
Jousting,
what Brummies ask bees.
.
On Election day, I'll take my voting slip for a candle lit dinner, champagne and truffles,
I'm gonna spoil my ballot.
.
I've invented a new flavour of crisps,
if they're successful I'll make a packet.
.
They say mums have eyes in the back of their heads,
well one woman really did, but had an op to put them where they belong,
hasn't looked back since.
.
Some Geordie told me he was really good at flirting,
so I threw him in the swimming pool,
but he sank.
.
I just fell through the roof of a French bakery,
I'm in a world of pain.
.
My cockney mate is doing really well in the over-sized trouser business,
he's making huge strides.
.
News:- A coach containing session musicians has overturned on the motorway,
drivers may expect lengthy jams.
.
I've just put my friend Richard on speed dial on the phone,
it's my Get-Rich-Quick scheme.
.
I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin, the other day,
he's head of quality control at Walkers.
.
An old couple are at church, when the wife leans across to her husband and whispers,
"I've just let out a silent *****, what should I do?", to which he replies, "change the battery in your hearing aid".
.
A man has died after falling in a vat of coffee,
it was instant.
.
Our Grandad got his tongue shot off in the First World War,
but he doesn't talk about it.
.
I told my boss I come out in a rash every time I get my wages,
he asked why,
"because I'm allergic to peanuts".
.
My Doc asked if I drank to excess,
I said I'd drink to anything.
.
My girlfriend asked me to buy something that makes her look sexy again,
so I got a crate of lager in.
.
I struggled to pick up a bottle of water earlier,
it was an Evian.
.
So what if I can't spell 'armaggedon'?,
it's not like it's the end of the world.
.
Why did the scarecrow get promotion?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
.
An old man at confession-
"Father, today I had sex with 18-year-old twins. Oy vey"
Priest: "You're clearly Jewish so why are you telling me?
Old man: "I'm telling everybody."
.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?,
because its “P” is silent.
.
A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose, and a parsnip in his ear,
the doc said, “clearly you’re not eating properly.”
.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms.
.
"Knock knock",- "Who’s there?"- "Not Sally".
.
My friend was a victim of his own success,
his trophy cabinet fell on him.
.
Alphabet Spaghetti warning:-
'May contain N, U, T and S'.
.
So Grandad walks into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish,
bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back.
.
A suspect was charged with killing a man with sandpaper, in defence he said,
" I only meant to rough him up a bit".
.
I don't mind people telling me they're gay,
I just don't want them ramming it down my throat
.
Did you hear about the lonely pyromaniac?,
he's still looking for the perfect match.
.
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?,
cos he was so far out man!
.
Did you hear about the mad Mexican train murderer?
He had locomotives.
.
A blind man walks into a bar,
and a table, then a chair.
.
As this magician was walking down the high street,
he turned into a chemist shop.
.
My mate went to a hardcore Star Trek fan convention dressed as Chewbacca,
it was a wookie mistake
.
A mate of mine is always telling me it's better to give than receive,
a lesson he learned in prison.
I got an e-mail saying, 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!',
I thought, "that's just spam."
.
My mate's a safety officer in a kids playground,
his careers on the slide.
.
Working on the Mother in laws grave today,
she thinks it's a pond I'm digging.
They call the portions at our local Indian restaurant 'Fernando Torres's',
you won't finish what's on a plate
.
If the panda dies out, should WWF spend loads of money on designing a new logo,
or just turn the panda on its back?
.
I'm glad I'm not bisexual,
I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
.
A man was arrested for stealing helium balloons,
police held him for a while then let him go.
.
A man was in court for stealing a bag, took just 3 minutes to get sentenced,
it was a briefcase
.
The tiles, A,E,I,O,and U were discovered in a dead scrabble players stomach,
vowel play is supected.
.
I was in a restaurant when I got hit in the head with a prawn cocktail,
as I looked round, the waiter shouted, "that's for starters!!"
.
I've been thinking of getting rid of my old hoover,
it's only gathering dust.
.
A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof.
.
What do you call an alligator in a string vest?
An Investigator.
.
My Great Grandma died after completing a Marathon,
but hey, at least she had a good run.
.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball,
"Gluhhgluh"
.
I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer, dunno what he's laced them with,
but I've been trippin all day.
.
I've been working for an Arab dairy farmer,
or Milk Sheikh as he prefers to be called.
.
Two dead canaries for sale on e bay,
not going cheep.
.
I've spilt stain remover on my trousers,
how do I get that out??!
.
I just saw a digital radio going cheap as it's stuck on full volume,
can't turn that down.
.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face,
no one cares about your workout.
.
Allegedly California has the highest rate of adultery and depression,
that's a sad State of affairs.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together,
but only one of them knows.
.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future,
I've got 2020 vision.
.
I always knew that I'd never become a lawyer,
as I struggle to pass a bar.
.
We remain in the grip of a global economic crisis,
and all the rivers are still flooding,
I blame the banks.
.
I was in a car showroom today and the salesman asked, "What are you looking for?" I said, "Because I can't afford to buy".
.
I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra,
and half way through the bloke on the triangle disappeared.
.
The Judge told me I had the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo now.
It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
.
I went to a really emotional wedding last week,
even the cake was in tiers.
.
If your girlfriend starts smoking, slow down and use a lubricant
.
My dad's hobby was collecting empty bottles,
which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.
.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea,
you never get that tea.
.
While on acid I would see things that looked like beams of light,
and hear things that sounded like car horns.
.
"I haven't slept for two weeks,
because that would be more like a coma."
.
There were a couple of girls banging on my bedroom door all last night,
I had to let them out eventually.
.
I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was crap,
Lance is still in prison
I heard a rumour that they're giving away manure at my local fair,
so I went down there to check, it was ************.
Our local school has become an academy, it's sponsored by IKEA,
standards may be fine, but assembly takes ages.
.
I ate a ploughmans lunch at the weekend,
he didn't look too happy about it.
.
A set of jump-leads walks into a bar, the barman says,
"I'll serve you, but you'd better not start anything" .
.
Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):
'If you want to know what God thinks of money,
just look at the people he gave it to.'
.
Staff gathered in the car park for a fire drill at the sperm bank before the alarm had gone off,
it was a premature evacuation.
.
I must've eaten too much salmon over Christmas,
I just ran up an escalator that was going down.
.
Don't trust atoms,
they make up everything.
.
A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay,
he said the Wii GameBoy he received wasn’t quite what he was hoping for.
.
What's the difference between a blow job and a cream cake?
Girls lick their lips at the prospect of a cream cake
.
Fundamentalist,
sponsor a nutter.
.
So Liverpool have SAS in their forward line,
well Tottenham have LOL in midfield and WTF in defence.
.
I can't believe they didn't suss the deaf translator at Mandela's memorium,
should've seen the signs!
.
When making a documentary about Emo's,
it was hard to know what to shout to stop filming.
.
I turned up at nets wearing Cricket gear,
and the ball smashed my Buddy Holly glasses
.
We just paid for a survey for our house,
8 out of 10 people said they’d buy it.
.
I was always taking notes at my last job,
but then they checked the till.
.
I couldn't hold a candle to my grandad,
he was an alcoholic.
.
I purchased a microwave bed recently,
8 hours sleep in 10 minutes.
.
How do you confuse a Scottish Doctor?
tell him you have 'knee problems'.
.
Owing to increased energy bills, the 99p shop have put their prices up by 1p
no change there then.
.
I recently bought a suicide bed,
each morning I have to talk myself out of it.
.
If laughter really is the best medicine,
then how come there are no chemists selling nitrous oxide?
.
Biologists have discovered they can stop frogs dying by removing their vocal cords so they can't croak.
.
'Petty Criminal',
someone that steals dogs, cats, and other domestic animals?.
.
"You're the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen...",
"You just want to have sex with me."
"...and smart too, I like that."
.
The latest worry for parents in the UK is the iPad pacifier conundrum,
no such worries for kids in China, India, and Africa,
they're making them.
.
How do you get a Pikey to take a bath?,
leave it in your front garden.
.
A Mexican stuntman died while making a film,
at the funeral his mother approached the director and said,
"Jesus died for your scenes."
.
My mate went a bit off the rails when he was younger,
which is probably why he's no longer a train driver.
.
My girlfriend broke up with me after I stole her wheelchair,
but she'll come crawling back.
.
I asked the Mrs for anal sex last night,
I thought, 'why not, she takes everything else the wrong way'.
.
Douglas Engelbart, the inventor of the mouse has died,
what vision, to know we'd need one hand free while at the computer.
.
What do you call a group of crows staring at a bird feeder?
A tempted murder.
.
Doug Engelbart, the visionary who invented the computer mouse, has died aged 88,
shame they couldn't right click and save him.
.
With all this s**t on the TV these days,
I think it's about time our parrot went back in its cage.
.
After a long battle with Leukemia, and a few failed attempts at Suicide,
my Dyslexic friend finally passed his spelling test.
.
My mate went a bit off the rails when he was younger,
which is probably why he's no longer a train driver.
.
My girlfriend broke up with me after I stole her wheelchair,
but she'll come crawling back.
.
I've just made a killing selling my shares in the nitrous oxide market,
I'll be laughing all the way to the bank.
.
"Having poor teams like Tahiti devalues tournaments",
says Robbie Savage, the man who played for Wales.
.
I've just joined a reggae band, playing the triangle,
I stand at the back and ting.
.
My mate Jim Apple gets a lot of grief when people ask who he is in France.
.
I couldn't believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker,
but when I got home, all the signs were there.
.
If humans stood in a single file line around the equator,
most of them would drown.
.
I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hi-jacking,
we just shot the pilot.
.
Light travels faster than sound,
which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
.
A dog walker was found dead in the local park,
police found the dog, but as yet, they have no lead.
.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
.
Our son was born deaf and blind,
it was really hard breaking the news to him.
.
Who should you call if you've seen a ghost?
A psychiatrist.
.
Bill Roach, Jim Davidson, Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall, Freddie Starr, and Jimmy Tarbuck,
it's a strong line up for this years Prison Panto.
.
I'd like to defend a penguin in court just to say,
"Your Honour, my client is clearly not a flight risk."
.
I bought a pond full of carp from eBay for £100,
big mistake, what a load of s**t!
The seller was dyslexic.
.
Hipsters never burn their tongue,
because they won't touch anything that aint cool.
.
What's long, hard and has c*m in it? A cucumber.
.
I saw a girl on the internet with 12 nipples,
sounds pretty strange, dozen ****?
.
My job in genetic engineering is quite well paid,
I made a monkey last week.
.
My mate told me that he was pulling off his boxers before going to bed,
when his Mrs said, 'you spoil those dogs'.
.
I bet John Lennon would have loved online transactions,
'Imagine all the PayPal...'
.
The man who invented Velcro has died.
RIP.
.
Fairytale News: The Pied Piper has 12 rats behind him,
more to follow...
.
How does a cockney contact the local authority through his computer?
by pressing the Cancel button.
.
I'm thinking of starting up a, 'Stiff Little Fingers', tribute band,
we're gonna be called, 'Arthritis'.
.
It was '2 for the price of 1' at the Vet's today ,
although my other pet didn't really need putting down.
.
It's, "Jamaican hairstyle day", at work tomorrow,
I'm dreading it.
.
I went into the kitchen and found my fridge had exploded,
I think something may have gone off in there.
.
I Googled- "Missing medieval servant",
it came up with "Page not found".
.
I'm not a fan of currant buns,
I prefer the Old Skool ones.
.
Argentina lays claim to the Vatican City on the grounds that,
"there is a temporary Argentine population".
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don't know the words.
.
I took my creased trousers to a PR company,
they asked what I wanted them to do with them?
I said, "can you give them a good press."
.
The Pope is going to have his ring destroyed by a Bishop, "Pope Benedict is relieved," said the head of the German bishops' conference.
You couldn't make this s**t up.
.
I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer,
but when I get an erection it looks like Pinnochio has joined the Taliban
.
My mate's bought a scooter and written 'The Who' on the back of all his jackets,
I think he's having a mod-life crisis.
.
Girlfriends have one vital thing in common with vacuum cleaners,
the better they suck, the longer you keep them.
.
Jonathan Ross arrested in Ikea for stealing a food mixer,
he said it was worth the whisk!
.
Man in Indian restaurant orders chicken tarka,
waiter says, "sorry I dont know that dish", he says "it's like a tikka but a little otter".
.
The bookies hot favourite to bag an Oscar this year?,
he's 20 stone, goes by the name of Big Bubba, and doing life at Pretoria State Prison.
.
Our cat jumped in the washing machine yesterday,
but at least it died in Comfort.
.
I didn't know what to get my 9 year old scouse nephew for his Birthday,
so I put 20 quid in his Nan's purse.
.
Apparently Oscar Pistorius tried to leg it after he shot his girlfriend,
but a real burglar had stolen his blades the night before.
.
Q: Why do Findus put a lot of cheese in their lasagne's?
A: To Mascarpone!
.
The Pope has Resigned,
like a true Catholic he pulled out early.
.
New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan is already preparing for the 2014 World Cup Finals,
he's bought the Sky Sports package so he can watch it.
.
So this guy's heading for the bookies, looking skywards thinking,
"I need to stop gambling, please God, just give me a sign".
.
After years struggling with my addiction to alcohol gel, I'm finally clean.
.
The Tour de France in recent years has resembled Amsterdam really,
with lots of people on drugs riding bikes.
.
Council Correspondence:- Here are some genuine comments taken from letters sent to the council:-
.
1:-I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
.
2:- It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
.
3:- I wish to complain that my father broke his ankle when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
.
4:- Their eighteen year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5:- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
.
6:- My bush is really overgrown round the front, and my back passage has fungus growing in it
.
.
I was told that Tesco burgers really were the Donkeys b*******,
I didn't think they meant that literally!!
.
Just went to the fridge to check my Tesco burgers,
aaaaannndddd they're off!
.
You could never hold the Grand Prix in Ireland,
as soon as the flag goes down, there'd be a riot.
.
At hospital over the weekend I heard a load of patients reciting Scottish poetry, apparently it was the serious Burns unit
.
Would you call a drunkard who works at an upholstery shop a recovering alcoholic?.
.
What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air?,
a dead centipede.
.
If a long dress is evening wear,
can a suit of armour be called Silverware?.
.
The Chuckle Brothers have just been signed up by British Gas,
to meter you.
.
My mate tries hard to get to work early to beat the crowds,
he's loving his new job with the riot police.
.
When your children are teenagers you should have a dog,
so at least someone in the house is happy to see you.
.
My mates girlfriend is mute, so communicates by embroidery,
it's her version of sign language, sew to speak.
.
Hear about the Emo that goes to a massage parlour and asks for an unhappy ending?.
.
If there's a storm going on outside, our cat scratches everything in its path,
when it rains it paws.
.
Breaking news; FA to introduce sponge footballs and safety helmets after van Persie near death experience,
and remember, Guns don't kill people ... footballs do.
.
If you have sex with Santa,
does that make you a, 'Hohosexual' ?.
.
I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.
.
Since my mates divorce 3 years ago, he's put on 10 stone,
his Doctor told him he has to stop celebrating.
.
I've just been informed that a distant relative has left me a priceless watch in her will,
I hope it's not a wind up
.
Scientists have crossed an albino chicken with an onion,
and finally created a white c**k that brings tears to a womans eyes.
.
I see they have female condoms now, they fit neatly over the top of a woman's wine glass.
.
I found some salad dressing at the back of my fridge with a use by date of 21/12/12,
I think it may be Mayan-aise.
.
The boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money,
he serves up a great burger and fries.
.
A driver crashed her 4 x 4 whilst listening to Adele on the radio,
she was rolling in the jeep.
.
I was sent a document regarding the 'Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins,
I had to download some software for it though, it was a PDF file.
.
Police are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who stabbed six people in the backside recently,
they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
.
Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshipping cats.
.
My mate came from a broken home,
his dad was a shocker at DIY.
.
R.I.P Sir Patrick Moore,
no more 'Mr. Night Sky'.
.
My train got delayed today because of a suicide,
I really hate Christmas Jumpers
.
Apparently Marti Pellow has discovered he's got Arthritis,
he feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes.
.
My girlfriend drew a map of India then asked,
"does Mumbai look big in this?"
.
What do you call a Muslim with 9 lives?
Yusuf Islam.
.
Why did the Mormon cross the road?
to get to the other bride.
.
You'll never catch me out,
I'm agoraphobic.
.
A suggested name for Kate and Will's Royal baby is, 'Helix Shatterproof',
quite apt for a little ruler.
.
'Lincoln', is said to be doing very well in theaters,
quite ironic really.
.
I just found a whip, a mask, and handcuffs in my mum's bedroom,
I can't believe it, she's a superhero!
.
My new book is called 'Wooooaaooooh',
I'm really regretting using a Ghost Writer.
.
I saw an inflatable ATM machine today,
the screen said 'Please do not enter PIN'.
.
I've been seeing a weather girl,
thought it'd make a change to date a woman that wasn't right all the time.
.
If you made a belt out of old watch straps,
would it be a waist of time?.
.
Women are the only species that defy the laws of gravity,
the more they weigh, the easier they are to pick up
.
I was at a Buddhist football match recently, and they started chanting,
"You're going home in a cosmic ambience!"
.
Never come between two brothers as they may turn against you,
however, coming between two sisters is another matter all together.
.
My mate's got breasts on the brain,
shocking plastic surgery.
.
One possible plus point to that reality ************ show might be
to hear shouts of support in the jungle for Tory MP Nadine Dorries:- " Go Nad...Go Nad"
.
What do Abu Qatada and Peter Andre have in common?
they're not going back to Jordan.
.
My girlfriend asked, "Would you like a blow job?"
I said, "Do bears s**t in the woods?".
Wish I'd just said 'Yes',
she's been on Google ever since.
.
If you worry that you aren't creative,
buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
.
My girlfriend asked me to take her to the bedroom and make her feel young again,
she wasn't impressed with the white wig and cigar.
.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man the wife would have preferred.
.
Two silk worms were in a race,
it ended in a tie.
.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
.
If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?
.
Dear Americans,
Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so please try and say their names properly.
.
The potato is like the Katie Price of food,
it'll go with pretty much anything.
.
Footballers, pansies that fall from 5 feet and stay down,
Felix Baumgartner, dives from 128,000 feet, and gets straight up.
.
Leo the lion has just been voted favourite sign of the Zodiac,
after a long battle with Cancer.
.
If Abu Hamza gets the eletric chair, he can stick his hook in the air and pretend he's in a bumper car.
.
Will these Jimmy Savile allegations never end?,
police are now saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.
.
Should there be a health insurance for women which covers Retail Threapy? Just asking
.
Gambling addiction hotlines might get a lot more gamblers ringing in if every tenth caller was a winner.
.
I'm waiting for the day that scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.
.
Apparently there's a new flavour of dog food coming out,
it's going to be called 'Postman Pate'.
.
They say it ain't over till the fat lady sings,
Daniel Craig may be in trouble.
.
Jimmy Saville had to stop going to church,
the priests kept fighting over who would get to hear his confession.
.
It was nice to see Europe playing America at their own game in the Ryder Cup,
turning up late and claiming victory.
.
Katie Price can't mention her love life on twitter,
it involves more than 140 characters.
.
JD Sports are selling Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuits,
they have adult size tops but you have to squeeze into the kids bottoms.
.
A local shepherd has attacked an artist for drawing a cartoon mocking his lamb.
.
Apparently Monica Lewinsky plans on writing a 'tell-all' book about her time in the white house,
I bet it sucks.
.
I got in trouble at the local park for lining all the squirrels up in order of height,
they didn't like me critter sizing.
.
What anti-perspirant do pessimistic people use?,
not sure.
.
I caught my Muslim friend shagging a sheep the other day,
he said it was Islam and he could do what he wants
.
I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach *******,
if you can't come, let me know.
.
So thalidomide manufacturer finally apologises,
I can think of a few people who won't be applauding.
.
I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the Arctic,
my doctor says I may have 'Buy Polar' disorder
What's the difference between woman and terrorists?
You can negotiate with terrorists.
.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with, "oh well, I guess you had to be there."
.
A man has been found beaten to death in a tent at the V festival,
is that murder, or assault within tent?.
.
I've formed a band called, 'Voices In Your Head',
when you hear us you'll go nuts.
.
Do Olympic divers get accused of playing football?
.
What do you call Postman Pat when he is retired?
Pat.
.
I just penned a song about a tortilla,
actually it's more of a wrap.
.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?,
he couldn't control his pupils.
.
Why not click on one of the buttons below on the left and share this joke page with others?
29
5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.
1. Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a push bike.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastards name.
3. Help a man when he's in trouble & he'll be sure to remember you when he's in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
but then neither does milk.
-
My girlfriend spends every night in town, going from one pub to another,
and somehow she always bloody well finds me.
-
I beat an irritating git at the tennis courts with my racket,
served him right.
-
The Higgs Boson, as they're now pretty sure it actually exists, can they stop calling it the, 'God particle'?
-
40 quid for 2 of us to see 'The Amazing Spider-Man' movie last week,
but at least we only got robbed instead of shot.
-
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier
in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
--
Darth Vader had a corrupt brother, Taxi Vader.
--
What do you call an OCD sex orgy? Bang tidy.
-
Do you know who gives children a bad name?,
Bob Geldof
-
A womans shoes say a lot about how she feels,
if they're behind her ears, she likes you.
-
I've never seen a tombstone that read:- "Died from not forwarding that e mail to 10 people."
-
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days,
it's on its last legs now!
-
90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.
-
I've recently become a Professor of Palindromes,
so now you can call me Dr. Awkward.
-
I've just joined a band called "Coffin Lids",
they mainly cover the Bee Gees.
-
I held a coconut shell up to my ear and heard the sound of a one legged horse standing very still.
-
Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he admitted pedalling.
-
The 21st century,
when deleting history is more important than making it.
-
I always cry after sex,
£500 is such a lot of money.
-
Why did the ninja and his ninja girlfriend break up?
they never saw each other.
-
School children shouldn't be seperated according to academic ability,
it'll only end in tiers.
-
Vidal Sassoon, RIP, never forgot his roots, and worth a bob or two.-
I've just won our local Iron Man competition,
20 shirts in half an hour.
-
Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground.
Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?"
"Buffalo come," Tonto replied.
"How can you tell?"
"Ear sticky."
-
The water's so hard where we live, the plumbers have to go round in pairs.
-
The police came to my house last night, showing me a picture, asked, “Is this your wife, sir?”, I answered, “Yes”. Then they said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”, “I know, but she’s good with the kids”, I replied.
-
Apparently diet books are popular because they appeal to a wide audience.
-
"Jesus loves you", can be a nice enough gesture in church,
but not what you want to hear in a Mexican prison.
There's been a new therapy group set up for Tourettes sufferers,
'Tourette's Welfare And Treatment'.
I decided to go for a swim to forget this terrible drought we're having.
I did 25 lengths of the back garden.
My dyslexic mate has had trouble getting a job, so I looked over his application for him, where it asked if he had any disabilities he wrote, 'I occasionally need a bit more time than others as I have sex daily'
If the chemical composition of water is 'H2O',
does that mean that Holy Water should be 'H2OMG' ?
New Durex slogan: 'Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks'.
I'm really worried about my Parrot, he keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life",
my room-mate's too selfish to notice, he's always crying.
You know Drogba's playing when the fourth official is a Lifeguard!.
Aint it just a little racist that they called the sea between China and Korea the Yellow sea?
'Twister kills fifteen in Kansas'., Chrissakes, I knew it was an awkward game but that's ridiculous!!
My gambling addiction cost me my marriage,
or as I like to think of it, won me a divorce.
For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife (Made To Scale).
Alcohol gives you the ambition to do anything,
while simultaneously destroying your ability to do so.
My room mate has just lost one of my Mr Men books,
no more 'Mr Nice Guy'
(. Essex, the only place where the Ann Summers shops have a 'Back to School' section.
"Hot Cross Buns" was actually the name of Jesus' first aerobics DVD.
I'm in the dog house again, last night my Mrs said if I turned the light off she'd take it up the arse,
maybe I should've waited until the bulb cooled down a bit.
I hear Millets have gone into administration,
will this be the winter of our discount tent?.
Our parrot got out of its cage and shagged the blummin dog a while back,
now we have some puppies going cheep if anyone is interested.
How do you make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
With Greece in ruins, no more Jobs at Apple, should we now worry that when James Dyson dies he'll leave a power vacuum?
I'm really into Grandfather clocks,
big time.
Roll up, roll up, cheap fags for sale.
Do lesbians send hate male?
Remember ravers, DJ Jesus died for your Spins
A muslim, and a mouse with an eye patch are being hunted after a robbery,
police advise not to approach, as they are Ahmed and Dangermouse.
'Tis obsession of Yoda my girlfriend has left me because.
My girlfriend assures me that size doesn't matter, but all of her d****s look like they're missing a lamp shade.
My girlfriend asked me for some Southern Comfort,
the slap in the face alerted me to the fact we were thinking differently.
"I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig",
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
There was a race on TV where the prize was £1 million,
a Scouser ran away with it.
Dyslexic IT technicians wait ages for a USB,
then three come along at once.
There's a huge advert for Viagra in our high street,
it's been up for ages.
My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Predictive text really gets my toga.
I've just bought a mirror clock,
I think it's time for reflection.
April Fool's Day:- The day every newspaper fools readers by sneaking in one properly researched, factually correct story.
I told my girlfriend I was looking for cheap flights on the net, she got all exited, said she loved me, unzipped me, then gave me the best b*****b ever,
I didn't like to spoil it by telling her they were darts flights.
I've just heard that the hard-drinking Jockey Wilson has died,
I bet he finished on a double.
Idea for a new TV series??
Former MP Leon Brittan takes hostage the host of, 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire',
it could be called, 'Brittans Got Tarrant'
I took my wife to a freak show yesterday, but they weren't hiring.
Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital,
"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together", said Fabrice.
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced,
that's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilene
My dyslexic mate said he's being sent for counselling as they said at Court he has angry shoes.
My new favourite band is Dog Whistle,
you won't have heard them.
I got covered in ketchup earlier today,
from my head tomatoes.
Don't blame the photographer's,
the Loch Ness monster actually really is blurry.
A baby seal walked into a club.
Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall, as he turned and sneered at me I thought,
'that's a little condescending'.
Grammar, the difference between knowing your s**t,
and knowing you're s**t.
The only reason guys get fake tans is because there's no sunlight in the closet.
For lent, I thought I'd give up sexual innuendos,
but it's so hard.
Just witnessed an Apple store get robbed,
police have detained me as an iWitness.
I saw a Dutch guy with shoes that had built in satnav, bloody clever clogs.
February 29th, the only day that a man doesn't want to see a woman on her knees in front of him.
Did you hear about the lonely pyromaniac?,
he's still looking for the perfect match.
A dog owner that entered his pet at Crufts has been sentenced to 6 months for outraging public decency.
Rangers football stadium, Ibrox, is to be renamed, "The Inland Revenue Arena", or IRA for short,
but it's only provisional.
I've got a make-shift job at a computer keyboard factory
Isn't it funny how we say that, 'noses run', and, 'feet smell'.
'Open Mike Night' can mean a whole different thing in gay bars.
Weatherman reacts angrily to being sacked after so many cold gloomy forecasts,
no more mist & ice guy.
If a Chinese person dies, but no one turns up to their funeral,
is that unbereavable?
My mates Thai girlfriend told him that a small penis shouldn't spoil their sex life,
he said she may be right, but he'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
We went to see Liverpool at Anfield recently, and it lived up to all our expectations,
my car was stolen.
I was going to get a power-gate for my driveway entrance,
but with gate power comes gate responsibility.
My mate was a victim of his own success,
his trophy cabinet collapsed on him.
I've fallen in love with a another ventriloquists doll,
but she's already spoken for.
BBC News: Fabio Capello resigns from the England job. An Italian abandoning a sinking ship, who would have thought it?
I'm keeping maggots warm in my mouth for fishing, will they do me any harm?
I wait with baited breath.
My mate Gaz is the kind of guy who just lights up a room,
he's an arsonist.
We have a local band that are so bad that,
by popular demand they have to smash up their instruments before the gig.
My mate was told by his doctor to do something that gets him out of the pub,
so he took up smoking.
Common sense is like deodorant,
the people who need it most rarely have it.
Ever think you'd like to buy a Parrot and teach it to say,
"Help, they've turned me into a parrot" ?
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman,
it doesn't matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
My friend told me he threw a stick 5 miles and his dog found it and brought it back!
Sound a bit far fetched?
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